"I am waiting for something to go wrong. I am waiting for familiar resolve. I am waiting for another repeat. Another diet fed by crippling defeat. And I am waiting for that sense of relief."
- Expo '86 Death Cab for Cutie.
That used to be the theme song for my life.
But. . . not anymore.
That may have something to do with why I'm being too stubborn to quit this bet I made. I'd like to think I'm hanging on for the fifty bucks, but this is not worth fifty bucks. If I ever use a bet in class to motivate kids I'm just going to opt for shaving my head. That would be less painful than this.
How did this bet happen? It was probably brought up by my soon to be wed co worker who has been doing the usual ritual of dieting her way into an extra small dress. What she couldn't do was eliminate carbs. I thought betting that I could spend two weeks ingesting under 20 carbs a day would be easy. I didn't realize how much carbs are in. . . oh, EVERYTHING. Sure, I expected no oatmeal and no pasta and no rice, but no fruit?? Limited vegetables? NO CONDIMENTS? I have a pantry full of things from the Bombay Grocers and the best Asian Market in Michigan, and I can't eat any of it!
While I've passed the phase of extreme irritability I still feel like shit which, oddly enough, is the only thing I can't do on this diet. I can drink psyllium fiber in order to keep some semblance of digestive order but it's a drink that has to be slammed, not sipped, or else it thickens. The first time this happened I put it in green tea. It was like drinking snot but without that salty taste I remember from my youth. So, maybe it's a good thing my marriage is in the state that it's in or else this would REALLY be cramping my style. I'll suffer through this for one more week, and after that I'll be running for a banana and a bowl of oatmeal with blueberries. And peanut butter!!
My body never wants to cooperate with that voice in my head. The voice in my head that says SHUT UP to the other voices. Not literal other voices, but, ok, so for my new class I'm supposed to free write on paper and type it up. Obviously I need to show evidence that I've thought about different topics before selecting one topic. The problem is that I already came up with my topic while at work. It just popped into my head and I started writing it in my head. People talk about different processes, all those people that go into the damn woods, but that's my process. Things come to me when I'm in noisy annoying places and I can't always write them down -- but I do remember them. But by the time I have paper I'm so far into what I want to write about that any real free writing is on that subject. So, I guess I just have to try and free write about other topics, like I'm exploring them, while I already know what I want to do. I already know my opening line. I already know paragraphs, I just haven't written them down.
So, I've decided a few things. First, I need to research admission boards and ask them if they look at portfolios for students looking to transfer to departments that do not request portfolios. Second, next week I need to buy a domain name because I've decided I am going to host part of my portfolio -- along with my fake online class -- online. I can't rely on making a "smart" public facebook where I wear glasses and say intelligent things. That seems too dishonest anyway, because lets face it, my facebook updates are like: "Tripped in heels at DSW today, knocked over an entire shelf of shoes." Third, I need a list of goals to accomplish during the next year. I need to be very careful in establishing these goals because I frequently second guess myself and feel strange for mapping out my future. I feel strange that I am hatching a plan to obtain a letter of recommendation from a long estranged professor who I probably won't even take a class with. I feel this strange sense that what I'm doing is wrong, and yet, it's NOT. So, why do I feel like I need to be some fucking Cinderella who just does good and lets things just happen to her? hoping that some fairy godmother of an admissions board will decide I'm worthy to enter the very halls that intimidate me so much. Unless I'm clubbing baby seals over the heads, metaphorically or otherwise, I shouldn't feel bad about having an agenda.
So, here's my agenda:
May 2011:
- Read all the books I planned on reading (McKay, Toomer, etc.)
- Slightly revise To Make A Man and send that out. Revise and edit Untitled IV and send that out.
- Track down McKay related essays that were mentioned in my African American Lit textbook.
- Work really hard in Eng 132. Pay attention. Learn to be a better writer. Edit essay sentence by sentence, looking for everything that is discussed in the power point lecture (blog entries will NOT be getting the same time consuming treatment.)
- Save money: Amount TBD (with school expenses I cannot set a definite amount.)
June 2011:
- Volunteer on Saturdays and Sundays.
- Work hard in all three classes, taking full advantage of having intelligent professors. Making sure to ask questions and learning as much as I possibly can.
- Begin researching the authors I will need to use to support my fake online course content and techniques. I'll need to develop theories and practices not only from my own experience, but also from real experiments, data, etc. and be able to cite them and their influences.
- Save Money: Amount TBD
- Successfully use a semi colon in class.
- Go to the eye doctor.
- Make a dental appointment for a cleaning.
- Make annual doctor appointment.
July 2011
- Repeat all of June
- Study in advance for the physics class I will take in the fall semester. This way, I won't struggle as much to keep up with the pace when it starts.
- Work on improving my Spanish.
August 2011
- Hopefully, use writing from Creative Writing class towards something that will better my chances of being accepted into a four year university.
- Sign up for another math class, a physics class, and macroeconomics. However, if my targeted professor is teaching a class I haven't taken before I will sacrifice econ for that course. If he is NOT then I will begin Plan B, tentatively known as Operation Hippie.
- Repeat of June and July.
- Read a lot during break.
- Research in preparation for December.
- Work on improving my Spanish.
September 2011
- A Math class, a science class, and potentially an econ class means massive homework. So at this point I may have to sacrifice some volunteering. I am hoping to at least continue Sunday mornings.
- Work on developing a web portfolio.
- Work hard in classes.
- Buy a working oven.
- Oven will mean I probably don't save school money this month.
- Work on improving my Spanish.
October 2011
- Find a cheap kick ass Halloween costume. The Stay Puff Marshmallow man might be out of my league expense wise, but surely I can pull off The Dude's simple attire of a bath robe. Or maybe that blonde guy who was eaten by a bear. I am not willing to sacrifice the best Halloween party in the world.
- Work hard in classes. (Possibly) continue Operation Hippie.
- Savings: TBD
- Work on improving my Spanish.
November 2011
- Same as October.
December 2011
- Make appointments to meet with the professors who I will ask for letters of recommendation. Put together packages with stamped and addressed envelopes as well as deadline dates. Possibly bring cookies/something. Note to self: figure out what they eat, if any of them are diabetic or vegan or have allergies. How? I guess I'll have to have conducted research in advance.
- Read and write and do all the wonderful things I've wanted to do.
- Save Money: Amount TBD.
- Work on improving my Spanish.
January 2012
- Hopefully, I am out of school. I am no longer at community and can spend my time doing whatever I want, which will include reading, writing, volunteering, and hanging out with friends and family.
- Apply to colleges.
- Finish online and paper portfolio.
- Save 700 a month.
February 2012 - July 2012
- Do what I want.
- Save at least $700.00 a month, every month.
August 2012
- Start new school.
- Develop new plan.
- Find a part time job.
List subject to additions.
No comments:
Post a Comment