The End Of My Life At JCC

Last night I had a sex dream about a professor.  Which would have been fun, except it wasn't just a sex dream...it was a...a..."love" dream.  Yuck.  (I guess this is what I get for reading the dankprofessor blog and all those annoying arguments about student/professor relationships being redeemed by marriage and children -- as if casual sex is a bad thing -- why is the endgame of healthy relationships always love, marriage, and babies??) Also, it's weird how I can experience physical sensations in dreams.  Like the part in the dream where I thought "He has thin lips and his mouth is soft and weak."  So weird.  Kind of hot, too, but weird. Transference is a bitch. 

Well, I wish I would have kept up with this blog more because then I could use it as part of my portfolio for a job at EMU...where I will be attending starting this fall!  In the honors college!  I'm excited.

I've decided to start a new blog (wordpress) specifically discussing issues and opportunities for nontraditional, first generation, adult, and transfer students.  The process of transferring, and researching graduate schools, has made me realize there isn't enough information available for the many students with backgrounds like mine.  And when there is relevant information, it's scattered throughout the InterWebz.

My time at JCC has been largely successful.  Over time, I accumulated two excellence in learning awards, won first place in the only essay contest I ever participated in (btw, thank god for professors who actually tell people about these opportunities because the lack of websites/advertising is a fucking travesty that encourages favoritism and discrimination).  I had great experiences with a number of professors who taught me so much.  I nominated professors for faculty awards (though they have yet to win), and I thanked professors who helped me in various way.  One professor helped me more than everyone else, and has served as an advisor/mentor/cheerleader, and a sounding board for my many thoughts and ramblings.  Of course I've also had the joy of less desirable experiences: absentee professors, a highly lauded LL&A lunatic who lied to my entire class and who gave me the cold-shoulder in and outside of class, not to mention awkward experiences that still haunt me. 

On the one hand, my obsessive interests/impulses make me the perfect candidate for academia, but on the other hand it makes it hard to let things go.  To just...live life and not be burdened with guilt and/or regret or the idea that something can change when I'd really be better off forgetting about it. 

I try not to get too hung up on it...at the end of the day everything bad that's happened has made for great learning experiences.  Can I navigate the tricky waters of academia and personal and political bullshit that can make it so rough?  Yes, I believe so. 

So what's next for the Bad Student?

Well, soon I'll be quitting my job, finding a part time job -- hopefully doing something awesome (I have leads!), studying like a super scholar, hella blogging, participating in every progressive student organization I can, as well as the economics club and literature related organizations -- maybe starting a new group, and a new book club in Ypsilanti -- all while being thrifty and fabulous. 

Goodbye JCC.  It's been real.  

Flaming Baton

For a long time I tried to deny to myself how badly I wanted to be accepted to University of Michigan.  Denying my desires made the idea of rejection so much easier to bear.  But the closer I get to the deadline the more and more I feel that desire swallowing me up, engulfing my heart, and  working on devouring my sanity. 

I thought that after sending everything to my prospective schools I could breathe a sigh of relief.  But it never works out that way.  First, there was my safety school telling me they didn't have my transcripts.  Then, when I contacted them, they told me they had my transcripts but not my electronically submitted application.  Many emails and days later this was finally corrected.  A "technical error" they said.  Then, today, my heart just about stopped when I saw a course grade two marks below what it was supposed to be.  My professor said it was a typo and that it could be corrected, but it'd take awhile.  So, she is sending me a signed form in the mail, all the way from the upper peninsula, to my house, and then when I'm done with it two school officials need to sign it.  It'd all go a lot faster, I suppose, if we weren't on winter break!  I managed to be nice, polite, and upbeat on the phone, but I about had a mini meltdown as soon as I hung up.  I really wanted to send out my new grades to U of M.  I really wanted to show I could pull off this science class because I have a pretty limited background in science. 

It occurred to me that what I need is my own flaming baton. My own something special that will make me stand out from the crowd.  But what?  I've reviewed everything I can find on how U of M evaluates applicants.  Maybe my flaming baton is my letter of recommendation.  I haven't read it, but I trust that it was extremely strong.  Probably the strongest thing in my entire package.  Still, it's only one letter.  At first I thought I'd ask for two -- maybe three, but then I decided that no letter would be as strong as his, and if his letter didn't get me in then what other letter possibly could?  But now I'm thinking maybe I should have asked my other teachers. 

I'd like to think that my employee reviews, letters about extracurricular activities, and writing portfolio was strong -- if they find the time to at least skim it.  I doubt that my essays are nearly as strong as they need to be.  They're definitely not as strong as I want them to be.  Maybe a few of my awards will make me stand out.  But what is an "Excellence in Learning Award" to a complete stranger? 

And even if there is a flaming baton in my package, it's not going to cover up my previous academic indiscretions.  There's nothing I can do to cover any of that up.  All I can do is acknowledge it, and. . . disown it?  Embrace it?  That's the part that gets tricky.  A part of me wants to disown it, to admit regret and mistakes, and everything that I think people want to hear.  But then another part of me wants to embrace it, to learn from it, to discuss how much my failures mean to me, because really they have contributed to some of my best ideas. 

Still, no matter how much I desire it, and no matter how easy it is for me to obsess over, it's hard for me to actually admit what I want.  It's hard for me to answer the question "What are you going to school for?"  Someone asked me that this weekend.  When I was young I could have answered it easily, even proudly.  But now, it's so hard to say "Literature."  It's easier to say "education" because then it has an obvious function.  There's an obvious career attached.  Still, it's easier to say special education or high school education, not adult, definitely not college.  I've tried to become more confident about it, but I can't help but play it off and feel a sort of odd shame about it. 

How do you tell a single mother who has had to struggle to make twelve dollars an hour that you're leaving your job to study literature?  To talk about things that no one outside of the academy cares about?  How do you say that without changing your voice, your natural midwestern working class twangy voice that you feel more comfortable using to say "this stupid ass vent is blowing cold air all up in here" than you'd ever feel using it to discuss literary theory. Why did it become so much harder as I've gotten older?  I guess it's harder because there's a difference between being a child of the working poor, and actually becoming a member.  The courage to hope.  The ability to believe in dreams.  That is what it takes from you.  That is what it's tried to take from me. 

And so the question is: How can I use literature to liberate and improve lives of the poor when I can't even bring myself to publicly admit what it's done for me?  If I can't reconcile both worlds, it won't matter where I end up, I will have failed.  Still, I think if I end u at U of M, I'll have a better chance at beating the odds. 

the stresses of modern life.

My relatively new and good quality tires got slashed this weekend.  All four of them!  So, I should be doing homework right now but I am finding it hard to concentrate when I'm emotionally exhausted.  The good news is that patching them should work and isn't going to cost as much as I was originally quoted, which means I shouldn't have canceled my hair appointment.  Maybe I can get it back.  I deserve to be silky smooth!!  It's also entirely possible that I could be laid off the day before my hair appointment, or the Monday after.  Is it wrong that I am kind of hoping it might happen? 

During the last, very recent, round of layoffs the only people laid off were forty years old or over, which isn't surprising.  So, as hard as it is to find employment when you're over forty, I was really worried about one person in particular because although she's about sixty-five she looks more like ninety-five, and can be rather unpleasant.  But she's taken the severance and unemployment and decided she's going to retire.  Everyone whose seen her since have remarked on how great she looks, how happy she is, and how she's like a completely different person.  She's volunteering at her church!  She's going to see her daughter in Hawaii!  I can't help but be a little jealous. In the meantime, work is more stressful than ever and I can't stop furrowing my brow. 

All I want to do is curl up with my guilty pleasure UK shows, like Misfits, and eat...french fries with ketchup and mayo!  

The end of the semester is near.  I've given UM all that I can give.  I've sent my writing portfolio, my work evaluations, an additional letter containing all the activities and charitable events I've been involved with that I didn't, or couldn't, include on the common application.  It's up to them now.  Dr. Thomas said he sent off a great letter of recommendation for me, but I don't think he'll be passing it along to me 'cause he thinks it might go to my head.  I'm mostly ok with that, but it does bring up some problems where scholarships are concerned.  Phi Theta Kappa has this general application that requires you upload letters of recommendation.  Oh well.  I'm more concerned with getting a couple questions answered from my current professor before the our very near end of class.  I've sent emails but I haven't received a reply yet.  I'm giving it one more day and then I start leaving voice mail messages with lots of heavy breathing. 

"How dare we say 'it gets better' to the kids if we are not willing to fight to make sure they have what they need."

There are times when I'm frustrated with NPR's lack of interest in certain issues facing the working class and poor, but Margot Adler's "Young, Gay and Homeless: Fighting For Resources" was a great segment/article about important issues absent from the mainstream debate on GLBT rights.  It's also why I think the concerns of OWS cannot be separated from issues disproportionately affecting GLBT youth.

Young, Gay and Homeless: Fighting For Resources

November 20, 2011

 LGBT youth gathered in Union Square in late October to protest New York City's policies toward the homeless.

 

A number of studies of homeless youth in big cities put forth a startling statistic: Depending on the study, somewhere between 30 and 40 percent of homeless youths identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender.

It's largely because gay youths are more often kicked out of their homes than straight youths. And even if they are not kicked out, they may feel so uncomfortable that they leave.

In New York City, nearly 4,000 young people are homeless every night — many of them gay.

Reaching Out To Homeless Youths

On the Christopher Street pier in Greenwich Village, where dozens of gay and transgender youths hang out, Carter Seabron and Elena Wood of Safe Horizon's Streetwork Project hand out snacks, condoms and information. The organization sends out several nightly teams to find homeless youths.

"Would you like a snack?" Seabron and Wood ask. Oreos, Rice Krispies treats and chewy bars are the favorites. They also give out information about Streetwork's drop-in centers, where young people can get showers, clothing and housing referrals.

Seabron, the outreach coordinator for the Streetwork Project, says that "for the most part, the majority of youth we see who identify as being homeless also identify as being LGBT."

Wood says not all of them are thrown out of their homes, although many are.

Enlarge Margot Adler/NPR Tiffany Cocco (left to right), Jeremiah Beaverly, Carl Siciliano and Avi Bowie hang out at the Ali Forney Center in Manhattan.

"The parent might not say, 'You have to get out now,' like, 'I am kicking you out,' especially since that is illegal if they are under 18," she says. "It's a fine line between what is their choice and what is not."

Each homeless young person has a different story.

Jeremiah Beaverly grew up in Wisconsin and Illinois.

"The day after my 18th birthday this year, my adopted parent kicked me out," he says. "At the time, I was really infatuated with this guy, and she was listening to my phone calls. She started telling my family, 'He is this, he is that, he is gay,' and talking about me as if I wasn't part of the family."

Beaverly was lucky — he had friends whose parents were more accepting. He stayed with them until he finished high school. Now, in New York City, he is in emergency housing — only available for 90 days.

"I went from shelters and couch-surfing to my own bed," he says. "I haven't slept in my own bed for almost a year, so it is really nice."

'Living In A Societal Moment'

There are three organizations that cater to homeless gay kids in New York City.

Carl Siciliano is the founder and executive director of the Ali Forney Center, which he describes as the nation's largest organization dedicated to homeless LGBT youth. When he started the center almost 10 years ago, he says, "kids were dying in the streets; there was no shelter for gay youth; every couple of months, I would know someone who was murdered in the streets."

It has become clear to me that we are living in a societal moment, where kids are coming out at younger and younger ages, and there are so many parents who can't be parents to their gay kids.

In the beginning, Siciliano's goal was just keeping kids safe. But as the years have gone on, he says, "it has become clear to me that we are living in a societal moment, where kids are coming out at younger and younger ages, and there are so many parents who can't be parents to their gay kids. They can't cope, they can't deal with it, their religion is in conflict with the reality of their kids' lives, and these kids are getting thrown away."

It makes sense if you think about it. Kids growing up today see gay people on television. They read about gay marriage in several states. If they think they are gay, they think they can come out of the closet at a younger age.

Tiffany Cocco grew up in East Harlem. She dropped out of school, did some drugs, was kicked out by her parents. She is now 23 and on a waiting list for housing. She's been homeless since she was in her teens. She says she has slept at friends' houses, couch-surfing, among other places.

"I lived on the streets," she says. "Literally, the A Train was my best ride: Waking up to the sunrise, gorgeous. I slept on stoops, park benches — then, finally, shelters."

Siciliano says the gay rights movement has not been good about dealing with the issue of homeless gay youth.

"The movement was articulated and thought out at a time when it was almost all adults coming out," he says. "We have framed our fight for equality in adult terms, and almost all the victories we have won only really benefit the adults in our community."

He also says the gay community hasn't really dealt with poverty and destitution.

A Fight For Resources

Siciliano attended a recent rally in Union Square for gay homeless youths. A crowd of several hundred people chanted, "They're our kids; they're our kids."

At the microphone, Siciliano says it's a different kind of struggle to protect gay kids than the battles the movement has fought in the past.

"With adults, it's a fight for laws like marriage equality," he says. "It is not so much laws with the kids; it is economics. It's a fight for resources. That's what our community hasn't quite gotten yet; we have to fight for resources to protect our kids. How dare we say 'it gets better' to the kids if we are not willing to fight to make sure they have what they need."

There are only 250 beds for 3,800 homeless kids in New York City; waiting lists are huge. Facing a $10 billion deficit, Gov. Andrew Cuomo made compromises with the New York state Legislature. Budget cuts would have taken 100 of those beds away. The city council restored monies cut from both the city and state budgets, so no beds have been cut. A spokesperson said Cuomo asked all local governments to take more responsibility for their budgets by eliminating waste and prioritizing vital programs.

But Siciliano is still angry that homeless kids are not a priority. Of the governor, whom Siciliano describes as heroic in regard to gay marriage, he says, "It's tearing my heart in two. Here you have a political leader who is doing so much to help the adults of our community and is taking actions that harm and imperil the most vulnerable youth of our community. What do we do? What is our response to that?"

Siciliano hopes the rally in late October is the beginning of a real campaign for youth shelter. They're calling for 100 more beds for homeless youth each year until the need is met. But homeless kids don't have power, money or votes. It's hard to believe they will be at the top of many politicians' list in future city and state budgets.

Doomsday Predictions for the Future of Tenure in Higher Education.

Last week I applied to EMU and U of M.  In one of my essay answers to U of M I mentioned my interest in online education.  This week my employer went through with the layoffs we all suspected were coming.  I was spared, but it's already left me with an increasing resentment concerning my current educational situation at JCC. 

This semester I have an online course with a very attentive adjunct and one completely AWOL "Professor" meaning a full professor, not an assistant, associate, instructor, or adjunct.  At first, I just assumed the professor's class was ridiculously easy and that she opened up all the discussions and course materials at once for no particular reason.  I also believed when she said she read all of our posts everyday.  But then someone violated one of her rules by posting something extremely racist and she didn't say anything.  Then our discussion units weren't graded.  Then I posted a question to the "ask your instructor" forum and it wasn't answered for a month.  Then someone else posted a question and a month has passed without a reply. 

Then I decided to do my research at ratemyprofessor.com and I noticed that the last couple reviews, spanning the last couple of years, were about how she had been AWOL throughout their entire online course.  Clearly, this is an established pattern of behavior. 

And here's my concern:  Besides students learning less, degrees meaning less, and me wasting my money, I'm concerned about what this means for the future of tenure at universities.  K-12 teachers have already witnessed an assault on tenure and collective-bargaining rights and this anti-education campaign isn't going away.  Our economy still stinks, the cost of higher education continues to rise, and people like my coworkers who work their asses off are being laid off left and right!  Some of them will enroll in school and,  because they're going to be seeking employment and taking care of their children, they'll probably enroll in online courses.  So, imagine how fucking pissed off they're going to be when they realize their tax dollars support the salaries of people who don't even bother to teach them. 

Everyone expects online education to be cheaper, so the technology fee that JCC and other schools charge has always baffled many students.  The Chronicle has recently reported that online education is becoming more and more profitable for colleges because there's better and cheaper software and infrastructure options needed for online learning. 

Plus, online education is growing.  EMU offers entire degree programs online and JCC is looking to do the same.  More and more students are going to be learning online and when they see tenured professors being completely absent from their courses they are going to start demanding changes.  Pay cuts, the end of tenure, more adjuncts, so on and so forth.  And many of these online learners are adults, which tends to make them more likely to vote than the traditional eighteen year old student. 

Professors who treat their online courses like vacations from teaching are not only taking a shit on the students, but they are taking a shit on future educators who will watch their tenure and academic freedom stripped away by angry former students. 

I'm angry at these absent professors because I want a future in education and academic freedom is very important to me.  I'm angry at them because I've seen what this assault on tenure has done to wonderful teachers, like my Aunt.  I'm angry because I know that a lot of these anti-teacher decisions were probably made by people who still hold a grudge against some awful fifth grade history teacher who made them cry.  I'm angry because if intelligent professors aren't going to try and TEACH their students, then their students minds are going to rot and they are going to latch on to the first thing that pulls at their heartstrings, like Waiting for Superman and Michelle Rhee.

I'm angry because the fight for control in higher education is coming, and professors who don't teach are going to be the greatest threat to good professors who can use their tenure to benefit their students. 

theme song mindfucks

Well, I took my English professor's advice and started writing everyday.  Awesomely enough I managed to write four different short stories in just a few days.  The jury is still out on whether they're crap or not, but I'm optimistic.  One habit I've decided to kick is my habit of waiting to see what my professor says about my writing.  I used to feel paralyzed, wondering if it was okay, wondering if there was some huge flaw that only he would end up revealing to me.  Now I'm more confident in my ability to find the flaws myself.  Even if they aren't immediately apparent I know I'll find them. 

Unfortunately some of my productivity came at the expense of Geology.  So I have to buckle down and scratch some rocks.  Z  z  z  z  z  z  z  z  z  z  z  .  .   .

As much as I think Communications is a waste of my time, it's times like these when I'm glad it's such an easy class.  My latest homework is picking three songs to put in the soundtrack of my life.  So, basically people are going to pick something that either reflects them or something they wish reflected them.  I decided that rather than pick songs from particular moments in life I'd go with more of a theme song.  You know, a song that could be played in the commercial for a movie about your life.

Joan Jett - Bad Reputation, of course.   

Dusty Springfield - You Don't Own Me. 

But those are all about my positive aspects.  I think my biggest flaws can be summed up by either Cat Power's Metal Heart



or

Death Cab for Cutie -- Expo '86

BUT, since almost all of my classmates are conservative, and since they are ALL SO FUCKING BORING, I think I'm going to post Dirty Sanchez's Fucking On The Dancefloor just to entertain myself. . .

And if someone mentions "Butterfly Kisses" I'm dropping some some Avenue D . . .

And of course PEACHES!!!!!!!!

Yes, we have a winner!! Peaches and Iggy Pop together are golden, pony boy.

intelligent life, interrupted.

I absolutely hate it when people show up unannounced and uninvited.  I always say I hate miniature golf and karaoke, but my intense dislike for those things pales in comparison to my real true hate for the times when people just pop on by.  My father has a habit of doing this although I've tried to make it very clear that he is wasting his time coming all the way to town without calling first.  The last couple of times this happened I wasn't home.  Prior to these instances I made a facebook posting announcing to everyone that most people at the door are Jehovah Witnesses or people trying to sell me stuff.  So, I'm never going to answer the door unless I am expecting someone.  So don't even try!!  

Also, I happen to not like wearing pants around the house when it's fairly warm outside.  Why?  Because I don't have to!  

Anyway, today I have a lot of homework to do and a lot of writing to do.  I mostly have a lot of homework to do because I've been doing so much writing.  Who wants to scrape rocks and measure fault lines on maps when you have a million stories brewing in your head -- all screaming to be let out?  

And I do mean SCREAMING.  Last week I had so many ideas hitting me at once that I started to feel sick.  I had to lie down and put a blanket over my head, and force the thoughts to stop.  Writing stories requires a sort of singular focus that is difficult for me.  My brain multitasks and I flip from word document to word document, alternating between stories, and sometimes it becomes too much.  Once in a great while I'll have a singular focus and I can write an entire story from beginning to end so easily.  Then all I have to do is type it up and since I type 100 wpm it doesn't take long. 

Anyway, someone is coming over who I can't get rid of.  Plus, my father emailed me asking if I would be around because he wanted to participate in this charity sale I was running and to pick up an Ann Arbor District library book he gave me months ago.  I told him, probably won't be around 'cause someone else is already coming over, the charity sale ended on Friday, and I returned that book months ago.  My suspicion is that he will still show up with some other excuse.  He likes to show up and look around, investigating for local gangsters, or searching for signs of my poverty, or whatever will help him confirm that I live some dangerous life in some dangerous part of the city -- oh the horror, the horror!  

He seemed excited the day he showed up at my work and learned that I didn't work on the first floor.  It was as if working at the top of a building indicated some sort of prestige, which in reality it definitely does not.  But my father is still stuck in stereotypes.  He believes people need agents to send out short stories to college lit magazines.  He also believes that colleges don't ask for your high school transcripts once you're a transfer student.  Both ideas are completely false.  Maybe they were true 20 years ago, or maybe they were never true.  Either way, I've learned to do my research and not trust the opinions of others.  

Anyway, all these intrusions are affecting my ability to produce what I want to produce today.  What I need to produce.  The clock is ticking.  I have to come up with answers to essays for my U of M application and those are proving to be the hardest to write.  They make me so nervous.  

I realized why U of M is my top pick of a school.  First of all, I've excluded any school outside of Michigan in my undergrad search simply because of cost.  Eastern Michigan is cheaper, and it has some good professors, and I've had good teachers and professors come from EMU.  BUT I know that wherever I go I'll find good and bad professors.  I also know that if I go to U of M there are more scholarships available for writing and lit majors.  But my primary reason for wanting to go to U of M is the student body.  I knew a girl who went to U of M for creative writing and she was quite smart, an avid reader, and an all around great person.  I feel that what has been most challenging at JCC is that I'm often in courses with peers whose abilities are so far below mine that the courses have to be tailored for them.  This inhibits my learning and it makes my A's seem pretty meaningless.  Even when I was taking Writing Experience II there were a couple students who should have been repeating remedial courses.  

I figure that U of M is my best shot at having classrooms with the highest number of intelligent students.  Students who are smarter than me.  Students who read more than me.  Students who are much better writers than me.  Then it wouldn't even matter if my professor sucked because I'd be able to learn by working alongside intelligent peers.

So you see U of M, it's not your athletic teams I like, nor your impressive list of faculty members, nor the beautiful buildings in the downtown setting so close to so many delicious restaurants serving eastern cuisine. It's not the appeal of dancing at the Necto, nor drinking Brasseire Blonde at Arbor Brewery.  It's your students.  It's your cream of the crop.  It's the people you attract from all over Michigan and all over the world.  I want to work with them.  I want to discuss Borges with them.  I want to make charts illustrating the effects of globalization in the steel industry with a U of M junior -- even if that student is nine years younger than me.  I want my creative writing peer reviews to come from U of M students, even when their review is rushed by their urgency to go to a football game or a kegger.  I will be 29 when I enroll in Four Year.  What I can offer as a 29 year old who has spent years on the same boring job, and who has already vowed to never be hung over again, is that I will never rush my way through an assignment because of social obligations.  In fact, my social life has dwindled by the simple fact that many of my friends have married off, some have had children, and most of us work steady nine to five jobs and we have learned the value of sleep.  I no longer go to bed at four in the morning, wake up at noon, and answer the door for friends while being dressed only in a sheet.  All I want, in exchange for my boring maturity, is to work alongside people who are smart.  What better place to find them en mass than U of M? 

 

Feeling Festivals in the classroom.

If I were to become a college professor, could I make students put money in a jar each time they use some horrible platitude to justify an argument?  I would make so much money!  

Sigh.  

I suppose platitudes are better than certain statements.  Statements that make me want to smack people in the heads with yardsticks.  Like, in Interpersonal Communications we're asked to give characters or people we know who either exemplify interpersonal competence or interpersonal incompetence.  A student said Martin Luther King jr. exemplified interpersonal competence, where as African Americans of "this time" represent incompetence.  That's it.  So, then when a few people (not the professor) call her out on it she said "I did not mean to be offensive or stereotyping.  End of discussion."  

Ugh.  Why do college courses so easily become what I like to call "feeling festivals."  

A FEELING FESTIVAL is where students don't use any logos or ethos, but rather pathos, and draw upon their own "feelings" to justify something.  These "feelings" don't even involve personal anecdotes, rather than just some gut instinct, such as: "I FEEL that someone who wasn't born in the United States won't have our best interests at heart, like someone born here would."  Then, when presented with evidence of traitors like FBI agent Robert Hanssen or, say, ALL OF THE SOUTHERN MILITARY LEADERS DURING THE CIVIL WAR, they say: "I understand what you're saying, but I still FEEL . . ."  

Last semester I was in a really good course with fairly smart peers, but there was still someone who FELT something so much that she continued to write an essay about a religion that doesn't even exist.  After she was shown proof that it didn't exist, even by the professor, she still wouldn't acknowledge the truth.  Her FEELING that it existed was just that great. 

A feeling festival also means that a student can say "I did not MEAN to do/make/say . . ." thus, they didn't do/make/say it, and so whatever dumb or offensive thing they did/said simply didn't happen. The weird thing about this type of feeling is that functions purposely to dismiss the feelings of others who may be hurt by the statement or action. 

And, of course, what is a platitude but a feeling.

So, why does this happen? 

Well, from my observation this happens primarily in courses where there are no guidelines on discussions or no instruction on how hard a student needs to work to be considered "participating" in a course.  My best online courses always involve at least a minimum word count that someone must write in order to receive full participation points.  It's rare, although not impossible, that a student can stretch out a feeling or platitude for 250 or 500 words.  Even better classes will have stricter guidelines that involve using source material to construct arguments or offering more specific ways to respond that is constructive and actually forces you to put some sort of effort into the course.  

Although a minimum word count wouldn't work as well in person, the idea of having some standards for participating and constructing responses or arguments can still exist and help avoid so many damn feelings.

Classes without these standards usually leave me remembering one reason why I dropped out of school in the first place--not to mention bitter, annoyed, and with this suspicion that school is worse for my brain than television.  

At least I enjoy television.  Well, some television.  So, okay, I guess school is a lot like television. Sometimes you get quality programming, and other times you get The Jersey Shore. 

Recipes for Success

Whoopie Pie with coconut frosting filling

So, I've been tasked to chair my group's committee for our annual charity fundraiser at work.  I'm so excited that I will finally have so much control over the campaign.  I'm also excited that we broke away from our usual group where only two people decide what we're going to do without asking for anyone else's input.  Inevitably, they can't do it all by themselves, and it becomes a disorganized mess, and they never try and engage and excite anyone else into action.  I mean, it's bad enough that it's ran like a dictatorship, but an incompetent dictatorship just doesn't make sense.  

But this year will be different.  This year I am bringing everyone on board.

So far I've asked everyone's opinions, taken notes, complimented people, and I even baked cookies to bring to the committee meeting.  One of the managers in the group repeatedly made remarks about her pay and perks being less than the manager who's our competition, so I think I can channel her hostility and frustration into something wonderful.  This time around everyone will be heard and we will crush the competition like a Ritz cracker beneath my boot!!!!  

Also, I finally finished something to give to my professor.  Unfortunately, I ran out of time to make a coffee cake, the cranberry orange bread didn't turn out too well, and by the time I had to leave for work my brownies were still too undercooked or warm or something.  (This new oven will take some getting used to.)  So, I only sent peanut butter filled whoopie pies and chocolate chip cookies with sea salt.  I also sent a card which looked pretty horrible because I re opened after forgetting to put the Mat's gift card in with it.  So. . . I ripped the envelope through the middle and taped it.  Also, I wrote the card with a pencil.  Also, I ran out of space on the card.  Also, I was ten minutes late to work so I was kinda in a rush.

Later I took my lunch break at work and made a phone call to the school.  The conference with the accreditors that visited JCC was weird.  The number I was given must have been wrong because I held on the line forever...I hung up and redialed a few times trying to make sure I was dialing right.  I listened to horrible music while considering the possibility that maybe this was a scientific experiment to see how long a student would wait.  I used my other phone to call up the school and figure out what was going on.  After dealing with one very nice but unhelpful person (about three or four times), I was finally on the line with them after they called me.  I'm not really sure what the point of the call was though.  It reminded me of work where people ask general questions that don't reveal much of anything at all.  Also, the students who I could hear talking all seemed to like easy courses.  I hate easy courses; they're insulting and boring.

It wasn't the best day but it wasn't the worst. 

I can't believe it's almost time to fill out college applications.  The idea fills me with dread!

Carbonized Coffee Cake

So, I bought a Thank You card to send to the English professor who has helped me with my writing outside of class for some time.  I debated over what to send at this time because although he said he'd be happy to write me a letter of recommendation I wouldn't receive it for months from now.  So, after gathering information on him (the places he likes to eat, his lack of allergies, etc.) I decided I would save a gift certificate to one of his resteraunts until after I'm totally done with JCC, but that I would still send a Thank You card now with a small gift certificate to Mat's (because in my research no downtown restaurant came up and I insist that everyone, even those in the sticks, receive an education about the actual city of Jackson), and I would send baked goods. 

On the one hand, I am excellent at making cheesecakes, tarts, tortes, and all those fancy high end items, but none of those travel well, so I decided I would make simpler things.  I nixed cookies because those seemed too simple.  I decided to try making Whoopie pies for the first time, hand pies, and an apple crumb coffee cake.

Oh yeah, and last week I installed a brand new oven to replace the oven that hasn't worked in five months.  Unfortunately, this oven doesn't turn off unless you turn it off at the gas valve.  The company that made it was supposed to be out here last week but after not showing up and not calling the customer service rep said the tech was hung up at another job, but half an hour later they claimed they had shown up and no one was home.  I don't know where the hell they showed up to, but it sure as hell wasn't here.  SO, I continued to use the oven to make a small test batch of whoopie pies.  Those came out pretty well, although they were much larger than I thought they'd be.  It's like carrying around a double whopper.  The hand pies were a complete and utter nightmare to make because they were so time consuming.  Putting the dough in and out of the freezer and refrigerator around five times was a little much.  Then when I finally tasted a hand pie I thought it would have been a lot better if it had been a regular pie with more filling. 

SO, on Sunday before making the large batch of whoopie pies, I made the apple crumb coffee cake.  I stuck it in what was supposed to be a 325 degree oven for 45 to 55 minutes, and I left it in order to do geology homework.  At forty minutes I came upstairs and smelled something burning.  Of course it was the coffee cake.  The top didn't look too bad, but the bottom was totally black and crunchy.  The oven decided that it would operate at about 400 degrees instead of 325, hence the carbonized coffee cake.  Well, that was too high to do whoopie pies, so after an entire day of work I gave up at nine o'clock at night.   I was feeling a little angry and feeling a whole lot of defeated. 

So now I'm going to try this all over again on Sunday, minus the ridiculous hand pies.  I'm also reconsidering adding cookies because they are harder to mess up, plus they travel well. Supposedly, a tech will be out this week, which means I need to ask for time off of work.  Suckfest.

Especially suckfest because I received the most awesome email I've ever received: an invitation from JCC to attend a discussion with some sort of VIPs who are coming to evaluate their online courses.  One of my former professors recommended me as a student who might be willing to attend, apparently.  Of course it's during my normal work hours, so. . . we'll see.  And by "we'll see" I mean that I'll see what kind of mood my boss is in today.  Work is a little stressful for everyone right now because about five different people have crawled up our department's ass to evaluate it or investigate it, or whatever they call it when they get five clueless people in a room to analyze data that will take them weeks to understand, rather than just asking one of us a simple question.  Efficiency in the private sector?  Yeah right, don't believe the hype.